Type 2 Diabetes? Whatever.

Huh. 7 days away from the half way point. Which is going significantly quicker than I expected.

But it also means this year is also going far too quickly. Again. At what age do we start saying that? I feel the past 5 years all I have said is ” April already?” “June already?” “October already? Where is the year going?”. I really need to get a new line to use as I repeat them every year.

Aaaaanyway. Weekly stats.

Lost 4.5 pounds. A couple of dwarf rabbits.

Blood pressure is in the very healthy area.

Blood sugar is behaving like a good little blood sugar.

Can I come off the meds now? When can I do that? Now? How about now? Or maybe now? Alternatively, if that doesn’t work for you, can we do now?

In other news, the past weekend sucked. The kids just wanted McDonalds. Chocolate. Sweets. To dance like nobody is watching.

I should disown them. Especially the one which sat next to me, opened a chocolate bar and said “This part is my favourite” as she showed me and then shoved it in her mouth and made “mmmm” noises. She nearly got jettisoned out of the window.

While I will be rather happy when the words “You have completed the TDR section of the course and now we can start introducing foods” are muttered by the health coach at Oviva at week 12, being 4 weeks and a third of the way through is rather pleasing. Mostly because I got to order different flavour shakes. I have been tied to not-banana and weird-to-say-it’s-chocolate flavours for 4 weeks. So I added vanilla to this batch. Yes, yes I am rather classy, thank you for noticing.

Yesterday I went to London for work. I treated myself to blackcurrant flavoured chewing gum (because it is sugar free and I am allowed it). It was the most flavoursome thing I chewed for weeks. Actually, it is about all I have chewed for 4 weeks. You can’t chew the shakes unless you make them really badly. I also wanted to scream at every bakery I passed (which was a LOT. What is it with bakeries, vape shops and Turkish barbers? Everywhere.) because of the smell of freshly cooked bread and other goodies.

And the guy who stood next to me on the train platform smashing a Greggs sausage roll in his face like he hadn’t eaten in a month? He was lucky to not end up on the tracks.

Aaaanyway. Weekly stats.

Blood glucose – Smash bang in the middle of expected.

Blood pressure – now in the much more healthy area.

Weight – going down and down and down and now a total of 28 pounds lost. Crikey.

Still fat. Just less fat.

And here we are again. Stats time. One day I will look back on this while eating a salad and think “I wish I had a steak”.

Another dwarf rabbit was lost, while another lost a couple of paws and an ear.

Blood glucose is exactly where it should be. Hardly surprising as I haven’t eaten anything meaningful for 21 days.

Blood pressure lives in the normal range.

But the, I am still on metformin and high blood pressure meds so this will go to hell once I come off them I suspect.

The cravings are better. Only a couple of days a week do I lose the will and if stood in front of a loaf of bread it is probably similar to water torture. Place butter next to that load of bread and it is more like water torture while somebody is whipping your tackle with a spatula. Obviously I am making an assumption on that, the only part of this I have experienced is the bread with butter part.

Ordered new shakes for week 5-8. Added vanilla. That was the first one I tried and it was…not good. But then, none of them are. And maybe when I start drinking it in a weeks time it will be better now that my taste buds have not had a positive experience for a month. Or I am in for another very long 4 weeks. Where is that spatula?

Huh. Where did the first 3 weeks of the initial 12 weeks go? Ah yes, I remember. In Hungerville which is located in VeryHungry.

OK it hasn’t been so bad. I am used to the taste(less) shakes. I haven’t tasted real food for 21 days. Haven’t had a beer. Nor whisky. Nor a burger. Not even a lettuce leaf. What a life! I am neither eating healthily nor unhealthily nor anything in-between. What a way and time to live.

What is more annoying is that the amount of weight lost still doesn’t translate to a smaller clothes size. Which like a nuclear winter, will come one day and I just have to wait. I can wait much longer for the nuclear winter. Much much longer. You hear that Russia?

But the friendly people on the app who talk to me every few days and have a different name every single time so you never get the same one twice are very supportive. I am considering sending some commands to see if it is an AI.

I wish they (or it) would stop asking me how my bowel movements are though. Normally I wait until the third date to discuss each others bowel movements.

Gosh doesn’t the time go fast? It was just a week ago that I had completed week 1.

More dwarf rabbits were lost.

More blood glucose was reduced.

More high blood pressure was less.

The cravings some days are just killer. The official guidance says “Hunger pangs last about 30 minutes”. I seemingly have several hunger pangs one after the other because that’s just crap. I wanted to eat the walls of my home at one point over a 2 hour period. The only thing which stopped me was the fact it would be really difficult and would probably taste worse than the meal replacement soups.

And I am between that stage where the bigger clothes are now getting baggy, but the smaller size is still tight enough to give a boa constrictor a run for its squeezy money.

So that means for a while I will dress all shabby. This is absolutely no different to normal and will not change afterwards. Dress for comfort, not for “I go to the gym and never do leg day and this t-shirt is holding together for dear life”. So that’s all good.

The shakes are now palatable. Because I have now after a couple of weeks forgotten what real food tastes like and this is all I know.

The soups are still utter garbage and I have no idea what they are doing to my insides but the way it sticks to the mug is making me wonder if it would clog up a horse if it had it a couple of times a day.

Sooo. That is week 1 complete and we are at the beginning of week 2. I don’t really know why I just referred to myself as “we”. The voices in my head surely dont count? That is actually true, one of them is so dumb, the chances of him counting are a hell of a lot slimmer than I am.

So what happened in week 1?

Weight loss:

8 pounds.

3.5 dwarf rabbits

3.6Kg.

Blood pressure:

Lower. Still above expected, but then, I am pretty damn amazing so I suspect that is normal.

Blood sugar:

5.2mmol. Who would have thought a diet of barely any sugar would have that effect? Just crazy these times we live in.

Week 2. We go again.

I still want that sandwich though.

Well, here we are. 7 days in.

The positives. The shakes are now starting to taste less like I am licking the floor. That or I just got used to them.

The cons. The soups. Can you call them that? The congealed lumps after stirring them so long that most of it has splashed over the kitchen counter.

But I have a plan. A hand mixer is enroute via Amazon. I am hoping it arrives today before I have to go through it again.

Have I lose weight? No idea. I weigh in tomorrow.

Has my HBA1C reduced? No idea. I do a test tomorrow.

Has my blood pressure reduced? No idea. I do a test tomorrow.

Have my bowel movements changed? You. Do. NOT. Want. To. Know.

When I do the above tomorrow, they better be friendly. A week of this to find out I lost 1 pound or something would be, well, yeah I would cry. You would cry (because I would poke you in the eyes for laughing).

But I am exercising every day and that surely counts for something? Right? RIGHT? RIIIIGHT?????

Well. That was a fun weekend. My kids wanted snacks. And food. And you know, apparently when you are on these courses, you can’t starve your children the same way you end up starving yourself.

What. A. Stupid. Rule. Apparently, if you do that, the police and welfare people get involved. Laws are strange things aren’t they?

By Sunday evening I was ready to eat a chair. Desk. Table. Monitor. My phone. Even a sandwich, it was that bad.

Coffee is man’s best friend. Well, my best friend. It helps. It helps a lot. The appetite removing properties are a handy little thing. And it makes you attractive. Was it attractive? Or was it less hungry? I mean, being less hungry is attractive to me.

We won’t discuss the flatulence. Unless….I could do what those weird women do online and sell it in a far. I bet there is absolutely a market for “Fat guy farts in a jar”. And if there isn’t, I just found something the world has no idea it needs. Or wants. But should get.

It arrived! Day 1! Day 1 of 84.

Well, day 1 of 126. If you count the post 12 week stage where the next 6 weeks is much the same.

But then, if you are looking at it as the total plan, day 1 of 365. If you could it all.

I should stop now before you see a grown man cry. Too late.

The call with the health person to kick it off was interesting. “Some people gave gastro problems” “So you are saying I am likely going to shit myself in public through a “let me just slip this bit of wind out”? Is that what we are saying? So that was nice. Something to look forward to and all that. But the, there is the “You may end up constipated”. I get told on a daily basis I am full of shit. Now I am actually going to be? What have I signed up to?

On the plus side “Don’t exercise too much because you are on such a low calorie diet”. What overweight person doesn’t want to hear that? So I went for a 3.5 mile fast walk. If I ran, I would…well…I would probably die.

Other than that, my blood pressure was high when I measured it. My HBA1C was high. My need for chocolate was high and I won a lucky dip on the lottery last night.

Big day.

Does the mango milkshake taste like mango? I have no idea. Why?

Well, I didn’t get this fat from eating fruits and vegetables every day did I? But if this is what mango tastes like, I am not sure I would get on with it in real life.

Flavour? Well, no. It doesn’t. It is a bit bland. A bit disappointing. A bit like I would prefer a packet of crisps (chips for those non-Europe people)

Smell? Yes. It does. Of what? I do not have the slightest idea. Maybe a wet flannel you just cleaned a dog with? Not sure, I don’t have a dog. Nor do I have a wet flannel. Therefore I can make the assumption that is the smell.

The first flower of spring, it does not.

And that is that.

No more until Thursday when it starts for good. I went for the chocolate and the banana shakes. The chicken soup and the vegetable soup. And they were not good. But apparently you have to have a meal.

That’s the first 4 weeks set. When I order the next set maybe I will go for vanilla. Because I can see you are as excited by this as I am.

Happy Monday. May your week be filled with fun snacks. I will be having a tasty burger on Wednesday night like some prisoner on death row getting their final meal. Going to lick that plate clean.